My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
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I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home.
As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
Me: *Holding gun* I can’t tell who’s the real one. Tell me something only Gary would know
Gary 1: You have a fetish for-
*BLAM BLAM BLAM*
Me: Welp, that’s that. Let’s go, New Gary
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.