@pleatedjeans

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

You Might Also Like

@BigMedwards

If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.

@hunz74

I just saw a lady jogging backwards. You go, girl…or you just went…or here you come. I don’t know which direction I’m going with this.

@pleatedjeans

[blind date]
So,where you from?
[eyes turn black]
T h E S E v E n T H C i R C L e O F H e L L
Oh nice. ever miss it?
[cries blood]
Y e s

@junejuly12

People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times

@Donna_McCoy

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

@leapeajo

Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”

Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.

1st graders: *crying

@rad_milk

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

@MikeZakarian

Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.

@theSolemnBard

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?

DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.

ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?

DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.

ME: What is it, doc?