New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.

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Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.


*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]


Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people. You’re not the jackass whisperer.


Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it’s really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla


Somedays I feel like running away.

Then I remember how much I hate running.


Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha

Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife


[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it


A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.

The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.


Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay