Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.
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this website is absolutely destroying me
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Don’t try to explain yourself to stupid people. You’re not the jackass whisperer.
Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it’s really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay