Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
[ new burger joint ]
Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town
Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup
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gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.
I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no