Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
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I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Is….Is this an option?
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[lost at sea]
FRIEND: There’s a ship! Get the flair
ME: [puts on oversized jewellery]
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.