@ohpeetie

[ new burger joint ]

Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town

Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup

Me: *leaves*

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@KidsWriteJokes

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

@sosexuaI

gf: come over
me: i’m coming over
gf: we should stop using walkie talkies in bed over

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.

4-year-old: You have to clean, too.

Me: They’re your toys.

4: It’s your floor.

@dorsalstream

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

@SteelFontana

Bad: Getting bit by a spider…
Worse: …inside your mouth…
Worst: …while making out with someone.

@markhoppus

I hooked my fidget spinner up to my vape pen and The Millennials crowned me King of Avocado Toast

@junejuly12

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

@causticbob

An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.

@david8hughes

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no