@pixelatedboat

New Call Of Duty game provides most realistic simulation ever of being repeatedly murdered by racist twelve year olds

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@LurkAtHomeMom

Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?

@Darlainky

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

@Reverend_Scott

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

@semenphantom

*opens door to show you my enormous stash of apples*
“The doctors will attack soon, and I will be the only one prepared.”

@Carbosly

Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.

@heldmelong

hate how the compose tweet button looks like a quill pen. i am not worldly. i am not an intellectual. i am a blithering idiot. give me a crayon

@just1fool

I’d like to thank the spider that descended from the bill of my baseball cap for getting me motivated today.

@ariscott

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

@Shade510

Her: What’s that account pin again?

Me: 051598

Her: Our wedding anniversary?

Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.

Her:

Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)

@Mom_Overboard

Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.