Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
You Might Also Like
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring