Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@ThatBrenna

I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.

@EndhooS

reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery

me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:15:”TitaniumToplass”;s:5:”image”;s:66:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/1616803443/photobomb_bigger.jpg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”319661105335115779″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”58″;s:5:”tweet”;s:100:”Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@iAmDelFreaky

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

@mutedclamor

I thought this hot Egyptian chick was hitting on me but she was just trying to lure me into a pyramid scheme. 🙁

@DontFuckingDMme

Birth control effectiveness:

Condoms: 98%
IUDs: 99%
Your personality: 100%

@KeetPotato

me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”

@clichedout

me: dogs have 4 legs

her:

me: so do tables

her: ok

me: so dogs are tables

her: no

me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen

@NYC_Blonde

If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”

@HorryPuttor

The Hogwarts teachers must have felt so stupid when their traps designed to keep Voldemort from the stone were beaten by three 11 year olds