This is my emotional support yacht π
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“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
[using Ouija Board]
“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Donβt be alarmed, Iβm sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, Iβm not helping
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, youβre not 25 anymore
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
#titanic
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
π€£π
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raidβ¦
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
America sucks rn. Iβm moving to the USA!
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends π
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*