Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
You Might Also Like
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Who called it Soylent Green and not Humanwich?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
I ran over someone and now there’s a bunch of flowers where it happened. It’s like, I came back to apologize, not be lavished with gifts
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
Why are people upset about the Starbucks cup and not the fact that they are paying $7 for coffee?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface