@Mr_Kapowski

New Coworker: So do you have any kids?

Me: Yeah, one too many

New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?

Me: One

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@patsajak

I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity

@JT_IV_

Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.

@juliussharpe

Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”

@MarfSalvador

Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!

Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before

@mommajessiec

*sees locks of hair on floor*

*looks at daughter*

*looks at American Girl doll*

“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”

@deanjthompson

interviewer: we just have one concern

me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought

interviewer: well it is now

interviewer 2: holy shit

interviewer 3: awesome

@ThisOneSayz

Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.