I hope you understand how difficult this situation is for celebrities. Instead of being pampered and flattered by everyone, we are forced to sit in our homes just like regular people. Please don’t forget about us. Any kind words of support would be appreciated. #AdoptACelebrity
New Coworker: So do you have any kids?
Me: Yeah, one too many
New Coworker: Haha, oh yeah? How many do you have?
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Keep your friend’s toast, but keep your enemy’s toaster.
Google Glass, for everyone who’s ever thought, “I like that browser so much, I want it on MY FACE”
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
who will stop them
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.