New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
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website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Anonymously I asked kids (aged 6) to write new years resolutions. Here are some favorites…
“Eat more butter”
“Build a mud hut”
“Learn to drive”
“Try my hardest at everything but not maths”
“Make a new language”
“Invent Google”
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.