new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.