police officer: please step out of the vehicle
me: are u mad at me
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
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ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape
INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses
My 22-year-old cousin: My biggest fear in life is that I won’t make a difference, that I’ll be insignificant.
Me: It’s really not that bad
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?