@dafloydsta

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

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@_NTFG_

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

@dshack8

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

@DurtMcHurtt

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

@torrami

Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.

@robdelaney

My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.

@abhorrent_wife

Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.

@MrEd_EVH

Me – I’m not in the mood to work today

My bank account – you better GET in the mood

@daddydoubts

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

@phxguy88

A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.