A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
You Might Also Like
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Never let them see how much they hurt you. Or the gun. Definitely don’t let them see the gun.
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Please, baseball fans. Enthrall me with complex details about a game where someone hits the ball with a stick and runs around in a circle.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
A Facebook friend posted 8 pictures of himself fixing a lawnmower, so I drove over and shot him. It just felt like the right thing to do.