Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
You Might Also Like
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
son: i caught a tadpole!
me: actually that’s a dadpole
son: i’m confused
*from fishing net* hi confused, i’m dad
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
the world’s most popular steaming services
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away