New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Why did the Christmas cake disappear?
It was stollen.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
In case you needed to hear it:
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.