New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
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Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
ME: If I donate my body, will it be used for weird and gross sex experiments?
SCIENTIST: Of course not!
ME: Oh. Nevermind, then.
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea[10pm]
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.