“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”

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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.


“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven


Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this


Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes


Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous


Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED


A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?


Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.


Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.