I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”
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“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class