@TheTweetOfGod

NEW EXPRESSIONS

“Kanye bless you.”
“Kanye damn it!”
“One nation, under Kanye.”
“Thank Kanye Almighty!”
“The Kanyefather, Part II”

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@Mom_Overboard

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

@PickleRudd

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

@McSwtrvst

Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this

@SJSchauer

Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter

Me, hand on the fire alarm:

Coworker: I think you’re funny

Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes

@Holidayze

Apparently fat people in scooters despise being called a cripple-potamous

@unravelingfire

Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED

@CrockettForReal

A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?

@Darlainky

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

@divergentmama

Sunday and Monday would be great names for twins if one was kind of normal and quiet and the other one was pure evil.