New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
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Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you