New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
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“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
– You got so drunk last night, you were dancing on the table in your underwear!!
– Me? In my underwear? You must have left early.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
I already tried new things thanks.