[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

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Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.



[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*


Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets


Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration


My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.


In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.


Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq


Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder