@KalvinMacleod

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

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@DavidAdt1

Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.

Wife:

@Dr_awfulpants

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is phlegm
-Can you use it in a sentence?
*loudly clears throat for 5 minutes*

@P1ssed_K1d

Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets

@JeffMyspace

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

@ericsshadow

My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.

@rachel2manypaws

In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.

@AphroditeAfter5

Yes Grandma, I’m almost positive Arachnophobia is not the fear of people from Iraq

@iscoff

Ghost: GET OUT

Me: Or what?

Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder