[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
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Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Want to feel old? Have a kid ask you why it’s called “rolling down the car window” when all you do is press a button.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know