Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
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*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”
Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me: I think I’ll try to lose 5 pounds.
HIM: That would be good.
ME: WHAT DO YOU MEAN THAT’S GOOD?
HIM: ….
ME: *rage opens Oreos*
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for