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1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
Your secret is safeish with me
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.