[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
CHASE: Hi we are calling to check for fraud you spent $40 at 7/11
ME: Yea
CHASE: Then you went to Taco Bell at 3am
ME: Are these questions
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task