Turn yoga class into hot yoga by chasing everyone around with a blow torch.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
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I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*at waffle house*
“do you want bacon or sausage?”
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
ME: I had salmon for lunch.
WIFE: the L is silent.
ME: Ha, I knew that. I meant unch.
A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, “Tell me if you can hear this,” and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…
One year later…
*sees self on Funniest Videos*