[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
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Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation
I woke up in the middle of the night to find my 4-year old staring me in the face, and then she said, “ mom, I love you, but I’m cancelling swimming lessons.” My life is the worst scary movie ever.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I wanna be friends with this person