how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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Oh hi lol
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
I killed a man once, because killing him twice is a physical impossibility.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
Had a lizard walk up in front of me and start doing little push-ups
Like he’s trying to shame for not working out right now
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst