New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
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Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
The glockness monster
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
USA lose graciously to Belgium in the World Cup. Obama says no hard feelings & any drones heading towards Belgium are nothing to worry about
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
[scans box of condoms at self checkout]
UNEXPECTED ITEM IN BAGGING AREA
[scans again]
UNEXPECTED ITEM
wtf [scans again]
I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit