“…This one is TOO big. This one is JUST right.”
-my daughter, picking out her preferred public toilet.
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going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
last day before retirement cop: I’ve been shot!
suddenly encased in jelly cop: mmphht
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
THERAPIST: [over the phone] How have you been passing the time?
ME: [mixing 4 types of cereal together to create a stronger, more delicious super cereal] I’m learning to cook
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Jogging