public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
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Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Smells like a challenge to me
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I tried to take peanut butter through airport security.
TSA: Sorry, no liquids, gels, or aerosols.
Me: I want you to tell me which of those things you think peanut butter is.
My gf doesn’t want to see Killers of The Flower Moon today because she “needs” to see a doctor “immediately” to get her “appendix” out.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?