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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice


I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.


Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.


why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal


Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal


I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.


*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*


I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.


Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.