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@NoticablyBacon

*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice

@3sunzzz

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.

@sweatyhairy

why did marilyn monroe sing happy birthday like that. she should have sang it normal

@jrhennessy

Folks, what’s the deal with Stuart Little. Husband and wife go to an adoption agency and they give them a rat in a sweater. Surely illegal

@That_One_Dude24

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

@Staggfilms

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

@tkhan74

I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.

@Mr_goose007

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.