Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?

F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.

Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.

*snowing outside*

HIM: I should salt the front walk

ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor

Giving someone a tour of a company I don’t work at and describing every single employee as “our lion tamer”

dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?

me: no, that’s a fence

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors

[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*

Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.

I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.

not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.

If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.

God: eat the green apples but NEVER touch the red ones

Adam & Eve: [brand new humans] what is green and red?

God: eh you’ll figure it out

When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.

Class: you want us to what

Super Mario, water aerobics instructor: eat the mushroom, swim up and punch the bricks, itsa so easy

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.

I was dissapointed when I called a taxidermist and he pulled up in a regular car.

Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”

The Salad:

[Jesus as a Doordash driver]

[Eats your fish and chips]

[Delivers double your original order]

Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.