New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
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the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.
I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
I gave up going to work for lent.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
It’s the weekend y’all
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.