@sarcasticmommy4

New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!

Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.

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@ninetek

if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes

@patnspankme

If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.

@POTerritory

Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”

@AngryRaccoon2

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

@LuvPug

In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”

@thepunningman

Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?

@jbmsoccerdad

Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..

*dips cookie in barbecue sauce

@savvystrider

Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.

@soul_crazzy

In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.