if people paid attention to safety warnings at industrial sites, we’d have way fewer super heroes
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Saw a Chinese baby and a black kid wave at each other today. Gives me hope for the future. Or another Rush Hour movie.
In the beginning, God made Heaven and Earth… The rest was made in China.