New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
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[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
What’s the smallest amount of money you would reach into a toilet to get? Mine is a skittle.
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
If my daughter hasn’t figured out how to forge my signature in her homework folder by now, that’s her own problem.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit