me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
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911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
“SOMEONE IS VAPING”
911: Stay calm, were tracing it
“HURRY”
911: THE VAPING IS COMIN FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE
“OMG”
911: GET OUT GET OUT
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.