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@MikeLonghelt

It’s never too late to follow your dreams. Unless your dream is to be a child actor, in which case yes, it’s too late.

@Angibangie

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

@Purple_Pito

My cousin posted a meme in family group chat and my aunt said “maybe this is the year you find a husband like the way you find good jokes” 💀

@CarouselMouse

“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot

@donttouchjames

me: i really don’t care about other people’s problems

also me: [sees a dead fish while walking on the beach] oh no what happened

@mattmanic

How cute would it be if park rangers had tiny handcuffs for raccoons that steal campers’ food?

@kibblesmith

Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away

How’s it feel

@better_off_dad

It’s not considered ‘people watching’ if you do it through their bedroom window, apparently.

@MatMarcotte12

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie