New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
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Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Eat…
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“About this postcard ‘Having a wonderful time wish you were here.’ Why didn’t you want me to come with you in the first place?”
“Then I would have had to reword it.”
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.