New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
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Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”