New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
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The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
he was correct
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
I’m having an out of money experience.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche