Doctor: we have to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s the most important part
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only 11 steps left
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy
cop: there’s a man in your trunk
me: yea a rich man
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers