When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
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just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee