@Michael1979

New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?

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@CrockettForReal

Doctor: we have to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s the most important part

@shadygrenade

*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]

@Parkerlawyer

My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.

@DirtMcTurd

“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road

@SadieSmithRoks

Next time my cat has some friends over, I’m going to puke right next to where they are sitting and see how she likes it.

@apowerfulbird

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: because the police force is designed to protect the wealthy

cop: there’s a man in your trunk

me: yea a rich man

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers