Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
You Might Also Like
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99