I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
what idiot called it a fly swatter and not a splatula?
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure