New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?

Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.

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I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?


I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.


“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”

– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.


I’m thinking about getting a dog so I’m not the only one in this household who goes apeshit when the pizza guy rings the doorbell.


I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.


My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️


The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.



INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?

DR: Your tests are all clear

IM: Is that good?

DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure