New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
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Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
This kid is a star!
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
Jurassic park gets weird
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
We have a winner.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!