*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
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If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
CUTE CAT‼︎
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
Me: (goes back in time to kill baby Hitler)
Hitler: Goo goo ga ga
Me: I can’t do it(goes ahead in time to when he’s a teenager)
Hitler: Nice haircut granddad
Me: *cocks gun*
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.