@WhaJoTalkinBout

New Password: Elephants
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New Password: Ants
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New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
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@ilovepie84

Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.

@AbbyHasIssues

As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.

Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.

@Pro_Jones_

Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!

Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.

@fart

btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software

@girlontapas

You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…

Doughnuts never do that.

@Faux_Ma

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

@_Tempo11

I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.

@Frankly_Drebin

Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest

@seamusmckracken

Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.