Ya man, it is weird that your wife started wearing the same cologne I wear.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
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As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
this is the funniest shit i’ve seen all week
btw, my linkedin endorsements for “Dreamweaver” are for me singing the song Dreamweaver and not for using that software
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.