New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

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me: i need answers

smashmouth guy: please i have a family

me: [tasing him again] who told you?

smashmouth guy: aaagh

me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me

smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY


ME: I wish I could fix this problem


ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…


I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.


Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.


The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.


Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?


ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.


I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation


Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*