me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
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ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Producer: Any ideas?
Bruce Willis: There are 4 elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Great! What else?
Bruce: You know there are five senses…
Half an hour later
Bruce: So what if there TWELVE monkeys?
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
I want to quit my job but my boss keeps swiping left whenever I tinder my resignation
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”
*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*