Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
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I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
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