[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.