So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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911: what’s ur emergency
me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me
911: what’s going on?
me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.
911: and why are you in jail?
me: im callin 911 too much :/
911: yep. you know what this means.
me: worse jail :/
911: *nods* worse jail
I don’t think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….
She’s a keeper!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
Someone married Hitler and I’m still single 🤔🤣
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…