NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
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I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
Murderer: *trying to break into my home* *struggling with the baby gate*
Me: It’s a – you have to pull with your thumb while you LIFT
Murderer: Like this? I don’t-
Me: Yeah, yeah, now LIFT
Murderer: *jiggling gate* You know what, I’ll try a different house. You have a good night!
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
[on a date]
ME: Tell me about yourself.
DATE: October 5.[later]
ME: When can I see you again?
DATE: Maybe in a year.
True
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic