NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.

[30 seconds later]

NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.

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So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”


911: what’s ur emergency

me: i’m in a bad spot. can u come get me

911: what’s going on?

me: i’m in jail. i only get one call.

911: and why are you in jail?

me: im callin 911 too much :/

911: yep. you know what this means.

me: worse jail :/

911: *nods* worse jail


I don’t think any of us would have made it to a life boat on Titanic.


Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.


My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”


You can’t spell “Schwarzenegger” without “google.”


If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan….

She’s a keeper!


The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.



Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn