Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
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Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty
Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box
Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…
And now we wait.