@theDanLawler

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

You Might Also Like

@DBMaxP

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

@smithsara79

Me: *trying to sleep but can’t stop sniffling* sorry, the box of tissues on my nightstand is empty

Him: if it’s empty, it isn’t a “box of tissues,” it’s just a box

Me: *already blowing my nose on his sleeve*

@Sal_Stevens

Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’

@AnitaHelmet

Him: You’re married?

Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.

Him: What about on Friday?

Me: Depends how Thursday goes.

@sarcasm_inc

A group of chimpanzees walking out of a Banana Republic is called “disappointed”
Except for Charlie there, who scored a nice sundress.

@InternetHippo

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

@murrman5

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

@Kica333

A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.

@RedRegenerated

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

@rikpayne

Just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks…

And now we wait.