@JoyceWhiteVance

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

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@robdelaney

23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?

@KyleMcDowell86

*buys roofies, slips then into girlfriends drink, plays video games for 8 hours straight in peace and quiet*

@liamoryan

Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open

@haveigotnews

As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.

@crunchenhanced

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

@TheHyyyype

CUTE GIRL AT SCHOOL: wanna come study *bites lower lip* anatomy with me?

ME: nah, i’m not in that class this semester

@SCbchbum

Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.