New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?
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ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
Look at this
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween