Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
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In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
My husband is extra efficient.
He leaves cabinets open for next time.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
next question.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.