New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
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I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
sigh
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Seeing cover letters that say things like “since I was 4 it’s always been my dream to work as a staff accountant for your organization” and I’m like ok my goal at 4 was to live in a gingerbread house you’re hired.