New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75Never talking to anyone:
Priceless.
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The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Fights fire with marshmallows
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”