@better_off_dad

New smartphone: $1,000
Monthly fees: $200
Data overages: $75

Never talking to anyone:

Priceless.

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@PedersenAhmed

My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.

So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.

@ahoytheboat

my criminal record is only clean because of how fast i can run with my pants around my ankles.

@Dawn_M_

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

@badbanana

A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.

@AbbieEvansXO

[husband and wife decide to try swinging]

Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you

Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!

@ClamDive

Rock, paper, scissors?

-The proctologist removing items from me

@rgay

There is a bug in my mail box. That’s his house now. He is the captain. I wonder where I will get my mail.

@mrjohntofu

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

@TrainedHedonist

Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.

@NurseSeymour

Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?