I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
Very little scares me. So does very big.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Duck: I mean quack