@ObscureGent

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

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@fading_roses19

I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.

@envydatropic

The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary

@HughGoesThere

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

@ClichedOut

me: meet my invisible gf

friend: u don’t have to settle for that

me: ok but she’s–

friend: i was talking to her

@GuyEndoreKaiser

People are obsessed with this storm but in ten years no one will talk about it anymore, which is why they named it after the movie Juno.

@ZiddiAkki

Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.

@thepunningman

Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack