You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?
Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-
Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]