@ObscureGent

[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?

You Might Also Like

@facciabella

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

@AsYouNotWish

I hate it when celebrities ask me to donate to some fund, you make 30 millions a movie & I make $30 a day. You send money.

@Diversion50

T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R

Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.

@PlainTravis

Priest 1: Why is Matt Damon chained to that treadmill?

Priest 2: You said we needed to exercise the Dam-

Priest 1: DEMONS!! I said demons!

@nayele18maybe

Him: You seem super chill.

Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.

@Twisted_Mettle

RUN FOREST!!! RUN!!! But the trees just stood there. Frozen with fear. In the end, the flames consumed them all.

@MrFornicator

I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.

@Fact

Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.

@GirlPetunia

Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..

@AbrasiveGhost

WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis

“Why, did he buy a new car?”

WIFE: not yet

[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]