[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
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*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”