@Cheeseboy22

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

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@sixfootcandy

Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.

@NoogsCorner

Witch Logic:

I have the magical ability to turn any item into a flying vehicle. I guess I’ll use that broom.

@teacup_giraffe

Walk up to the guy with a popped collar and spiked hair & say “What’s up, Chad?” & he’ll be all “Whoa… How’d you know my name, bro?”

@TheMichaelRock

Some schools are banning Santa so they don’t offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible.

@JimmerThatisAll

Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?

@AOC

Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”

Here’s what we have say about that:

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@XGibbons

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

@onlxn

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it