New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
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Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Brb my Sims are getting married
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?