New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.

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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*


I want to grow my own food but I can’t seem to find any bacon seeds anywhere.


Black girls twerk, Hispanic girls hip roll, Indian girls belly dance & white girls watch.


The weatherman is telling us to expect 8 to 9 inches, but he’s probably lying.


At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.


snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this


This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths


*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..


[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]


*gets hungry*

*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*

*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*