new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
You Might Also Like
Every work call, he judges.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash